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Longest questionnaire to date!


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Anyone have this beat?

1. What typical problems are found in homes in this area?

2. What inspections would you personally require as the buyer based on your own experience? Are there items you charge extra for when requested?

3. How long have you been licensed to inspect residential properties?

4. What is your construction background?

5. What other licenses do you presently hold? (Real Estate, trades, mold, termite?)

6. Do you carry Errors and Omission insurance for the properties you inspect? If so, how much and will you provide a certificate of insurance?

7. If you do not carry E & O insurance, how will you warrant and financially stand behind your inspection services?

8. What is the process should we have a claim against your inspection?

9. Have you ever had a complaint filed against you or been sued as a result of your inspection business and, if so, explain the circumstance(s) and how the matter(s) were resolved?

10. What is your policy if your inspection report fails to reveal a deficiency that subsequently is discovered after the property is purchased?

11. How many inspections do you typically conduct on an average day of inspecting and how lengthy is your report?

12. When will you furnish a sample written inspection report and what form will that report take?

13. Who do you represent in an inspection and how do you deal with people you don't represent who may object to your inspection findings?

14. Have you ever been requested by real estate licensees (agents), to limit or minimize your inspection findings and, if so, how did you respond to those requests?

15. What are you prohibited from inspecting or commenting on (by policy, licensing or regulation) in a typical home inspection?

16. Are you willing to provide a list of past customers who have used your inspection services?

17. Will you recommend that specific inspection "experts" be engaged in the event you feel that the possible condition of certain inspected items may be beyond your professional expertise?

18. Does your inspection cover electric tests for all voltages at the service box? How?

19. Does your inspection cover inspection of reachable copper pipes?

20. Does your inspection cover water pressure testing?

21. What gas pipe testing do you perform?

22. Will you be climbing to the roof and providing pictures?

23. What appliances will you be testing? How?

24. Will you perform grade testing?

25. Will you perform foundation tests?

26. Will you perform termite and other pest testing?

27. Will you inspect for Carbon Monoxide?

28. Will you test the Water quality?

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Wow! Five 'how much are you gonna be worth when I sue you?' questions in the top ten.

15. What are you prohibited from inspecting or commenting on (by policy, licensing or regulation) in a typical home inspection?

Sorry, I'm specifically prohibited from discussing those items. Duh.

16. Are you willing to provide a list of past customers who have used your inspection services?

I get this one a lot. I tell them that I respect my client's privacy and do not share their information with anyone. When they persist I ask them, "how would you fell about me when some weirdo knocks on your door at midnight to ask if you were satisfied with my services?" They usually get it then.

You did tell this person to go pound salt, right?

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Uh yes. I did not get very far on the questionnaire. I explained that he could always set up a geological engineer, structural engineer, licensed electrician, the local gas company etc.... I thought it was one of the funnier lists I have seen over the years. I get a mix of some of the questions, but some of those are just off the charts.

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1. What typical problems are found in homes in this area?

They're owned by toothless paranoid schizophrenics

2. What inspections would you personally require as the buyer based on your own experience? Are there items you charge extra for when requested?

Draperies are extremely important- I charge extra for draperies

3. How long have you been licensed to inspect residential properties?

I doon need noo steenkin license

4. What is your construction background?

I can erect at the drop of a hat... if you know what I mean

5. What other licenses do you presently hold? (Real Estate, trades, mold, termite?)Really, I f I told you, I'd have to kill you. For God's sake and yours, leave well enough alone.

6. Do you carry Errors and Omission insurance for the properties you inspect? If so, how much and will you provide a certificate of insurance?

I carry the cover page, but it's expired. Sure, you can have a copy

7. If you do not carry E & O insurance, how will you warrant and financially stand behind your inspection services?

If I screw up, I'll buy your crappy house and build you a new one free!

8. What is the process should we have a claim against your inspection?

Arrive wearing naught but a negligee and have a big bottle of bourbon. That's step one. Step two is a tad more graphic

9. Have you ever had a complaint filed against you or been sued as a result of your inspection business and, if so, explain the circumstance(s) and how the matter(s) were resolved?

Sure. I resolved it by telling the jerk to get in line.

10. What is your policy if your inspection report fails to reveal a deficiency that subsequently is discovered after the property is purchased?

I apologize, then burp out the song "I'm sorry, so sorry, please accept my apology

11. How many inspections do you typically conduct on an average day of inspecting and how lengthy is your report?

30 is the answer to both parts of the question

12. When will you furnish a sample written inspection report and what form will that report take?

Sure I'll provide a sample. Usually, the samples are in the form of Klingons

13. Who do you represent in an inspection and how do you deal with people you don't represent who may object to your inspection findings?

I represent myself. I give the finger to those who disagree with me. I may (or may not) add a nyah, nyah, nyah

14. Have you ever been requested by real estate licensees (agents), to limit or minimize your inspection findings and, if so, how did you respond to those requests?They ask all the time. I respond by telling them to keep their money

15. What are you prohibited from inspecting or commenting on (by policy, licensing or regulation) in a typical home inspection?

The licensing board frowns when I try to inspect the Gouda in the refrigerator. I'm prohibited from inspecting the rye bread because I'm gluten intolerant

16. Are you willing to provide a list of past customers who have used your inspection services?

Everyone whose name begins with an a e i o or u in the white pages

17. Will you recommend that specific inspection "experts" be engaged in the event you feel that the possible condition of certain inspected items may be beyond your professional expertise?

if that ever happens, sure

18. Does your inspection cover electric tests for all voltages at the service box? How?

I lick your finger and then have you touch each screw

19. Does your inspection cover inspection of reachable copper pipes?

yeas, but I'm very, very short

20. Does your inspection cover water pressure testing?

I put a rubber band on the kitchen sprayer when no one is looking. Then I ask the realtor to get a glass of water for a sample. If she screams, the pressure is good. If she laughs, it's not.

21. What gas pipe testing do you perform?

That's personal

22. Will you be climbing to the roof and providing pictures?

Sure. There is one caveat though; I will not provide pictures from the roof or of the roof. That's extra

23. What appliances will you be testing? How?

Anything that plugs in, I'll test. Verbally

24. Will you perform grade testing?

I perform grading as a result of testing?

25. Will you perform foundation tests?

I jump up and down in several spots

26. Will you perform termite and other pest testing?

see appliance testing

27. Will you inspect for Carbon Monoxide?

I bring my parrot to every inspection

28. Will you test the Water quality?

The realtor usually does that during the pressure test

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That's funny.......although, I'd use a canary for CO.

Some of the best jobs are the one's you don't do.

I knew it was wrong but I labored between parakeet and parrot. Canary wasn't even on my horizon.

I think my gas pipe sprang a leak reading that. I had to leave the room before I killed the parakeet. [:)]

Robert, I'm sure you compiled an appropriate response, but I'm thinking along the lines of "Thanks for the inquiry. Please send me the correct answers to the questions, as I am too swamped with work these days to find good answers to all of them."

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Those questions look to me like they came from someone who was scared witless and just didn't know what to ask. If I wasn't feeling too snarky, I might have answered it with something along the lines of: "There's no way I can answer all of those questions in an email. Please call me to discuss your inspection." Then, I'd try to put them at ease on the phone. If you can make a paranoid buyer feel confidence in your skills, you've got a referral source for life. The extra work can often be worth it.

Just sayin.

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Those questions look to me like they came from someone who was scared witless and just didn't know what to ask. If I wasn't feeling too snarky, I might have answered it with something along the lines of: "There's no way I can answer all of those questions in an email. Please call me to discuss your inspection." Then, I'd try to put them at ease on the phone. If you can make a paranoid buyer feel confidence in your skills, you've got a referral source for life. The extra work can often be worth it.

Just sayin.

Maybe, possibly, perhaps, but is it really worth the risk, never mind the time? Just one of the questions 6, 7 or 8 would be enough for me to come down with a sudden nasty case of flu. And, no (Mike), I wouldn't be offering any referrals either.

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Those questions look to me like they came from someone who was scared witless and just didn't know what to ask. If I wasn't feeling too snarky, I might have answered it with something along the lines of: "There's no way I can answer all of those questions in an email. Please call me to discuss your inspection." Then, I'd try to put them at ease on the phone. If you can make a paranoid buyer feel confidence in your skills, you've got a referral source for life. The extra work can often be worth it.

Just sayin.

Finally! One guy here who isn't a wuss.

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Recently I had a lady call for an appoitment and asked if I could bring proof of medical insurance and workmans comp. I answered "No".

She said "so then we will be responable if you get hurt during the inspection",

I answered "No - I'm not a jerk, if I get hurt it is my fault."

She responded "OK, well we want to hire you anyways.

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