Terence McCann Posted January 20, 2004 Report Share Posted January 20, 2004 The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight. "I promise!", I said. Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit blitzed, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him. The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him midnight. He didn't seem disturbed at all. (Whew! Got away with that one!, I thought). Then, he said "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed 3 times, then said, "oh, crap," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and farted Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chrisprickett Posted January 20, 2004 Report Share Posted January 20, 2004 Three Kick Rule A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it." The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own. The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Tennessee. We settle small disagreements like this with the "Three Kick Rule." The lawyer asked, "What is the Three Kick Rule?" The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up." The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn." (I love this part) The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck.[:-dev3] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richard Moore Posted January 20, 2004 Report Share Posted January 20, 2004 Funny! I had this one e-mailed to me today. I thought that Chad in particular might enjoy it..... A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on the verge of being burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and become a mechanic. He found out from the local technical college what was involved and signed up for the evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called instructor saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting." The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. The instructor went on to say, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the muffler". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chad Fabry Posted January 20, 2004 Report Share Posted January 20, 2004 wouldn't that be a proctologist? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richard Moore Posted January 20, 2004 Report Share Posted January 20, 2004 Most of you are probably aware that Thomas Edison developed the Electric Chair in the 1880’s. Most cynics believe he did this to demonstrate the lethality of AC current, and thereby promote his “safer†Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richard Moore Posted January 20, 2004 Report Share Posted January 20, 2004 I know...I know! I seem to often get a grimace when I was trying for a grin. Just can't resist a truly horrible pun. Oh well...I guess that still leaves me a chance on American Idol. The neighborhood dogs howling when I sing is a good thing, isn't it? Back to the report...Richard Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kurt Posted January 21, 2004 Report Share Posted January 21, 2004 Complete topic drift..... Who knows how Edison made his fortune? (this is not a joke, & don't guess the lightbulb; he lost his ass on that project) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kurt Posted January 21, 2004 Report Share Posted January 21, 2004 Originally posted by Douglas Hansen Well - he did spend about 12 years working on something else that is a pretty basic material in just about every building we look at. Am I getting warm? DH Quite toasty. He invented the rolling mill for the inexpensive manufacture of portland cement. Master Doug, just can't get nuthin' by yez..... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swarga Posted January 21, 2004 Report Share Posted January 21, 2004 I thought he invented the "Realtor Check List report"[:-bigmouth][:-bonc01][:-smile_green][:-sly][:-spin] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WILLIE Posted January 21, 2004 Report Share Posted January 21, 2004 Texas Chili Cook Off INEXPERIENCED CHILI JUDGE Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon, when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting. So I accepted." Here are the scorecards from the event: _________________________________________________________ CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick. JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy. _________________________________________________________ CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang. JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. __________________________________________________________ CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans. JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers. FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer. ____________________________________________________________ CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. Bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac? _______________________________________________________ CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very Impressive. JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage, Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks! ________________________________________________________ CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers. JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb. FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone! ___________________________________________________ CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach. ____________________________________________________ CHILI # 8 LESTER'S LAST OF THE RED-HOT LOVER'S CHILI JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare it's existence. JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brian G Posted January 21, 2004 Report Share Posted January 21, 2004 Funny, but I could have done without the repeated use of the Special High Intensity Term. Brian G. Never Eat Chili Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paul MacLean Posted January 21, 2004 Report Share Posted January 21, 2004 Hey Brian, I too am not a heavy user of foul language, but you're got to admit the story wouldn't be the same without it. Willie, Thanks for sharing, now go sleep it off[:-bonc01] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chad Fabry Posted January 21, 2004 Report Share Posted January 21, 2004 I must be a heavy user, I had to re-read it to notice it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richard Moore Posted January 21, 2004 Report Share Posted January 21, 2004 Willie...good stuff! Wasn't Brian the the one who posted the "Inspector from Nantucket" limmerick? We all know how that and every other Nantucket limmerick ends. Brian...You goin' soft on us boy? Eh? Get your #2 together! Big Dick from Seattle Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chad Fabry Posted January 21, 2004 Report Share Posted January 21, 2004 This post has been edited. My original post was tasteless and sophomoric... even for me. So, I'll refrain from pushing the envelope until I get Mike's stamp of approval. I'll try to stay first class instead of bulk rate. The result of such effort will likely result in postal puns. Just so you know. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richard Moore Posted January 21, 2004 Report Share Posted January 21, 2004 OK, I'm done now too! Richard Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kurt Posted January 21, 2004 Report Share Posted January 21, 2004 Originally posted by hausdok, in part: I wish I could do more to show my appreciation to everyone that has been so loyal to TIJ over the past couple of years. ONE TEAM - ONE FIGHT!!! Mike A couple crisp C notes would be delightful..... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brian G Posted January 21, 2004 Report Share Posted January 21, 2004 Originally posted by Richard Moore Wasn't Brian the the one who posted the "Inspector from Nantucket" limmerick? We all know how that and every other Nantucket limmerick ends. Yeah, I posted that, but I implied the "F" word rather than spell it out and it was only in there once. Hair splitting to some degree, yes. Hey I'm not deeply offended or anything, I use all of those words here and there. I just don't think they're appropriate for this type of venue, especially over and over. A certain amount of restrait is always called for from an adult in a public place, don't you think? (Don't worry Jimmy, strip clubs are excluded!) [-crzwom] Brian G. Stop That #@%$*#% Cussing! [!] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richard Moore Posted January 21, 2004 Report Share Posted January 21, 2004 Brian...Just pulling your leg a little. [:-jester] Aw, hell[:-angel] heck! You know that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brian G Posted January 21, 2004 Report Share Posted January 21, 2004 Sure, I know that. [] It's curious though....when a guy signs off as "Big D***" while asking if you've gone soft.... Brian G. I Don't Think I Wannna Know [:-blindfold] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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