Viral infamy

[BlackJack]

The John Kerry Virus - Stores data on both sides of the disk and causes

little purple hearts to appear on screen.

The Bill Clinton Virus - Gives you a permanent Hard Drive with NO memory.

The Al Gore Virus - Causes your computer to keep counting and re-counting.

The George W. Bush Virus - Causes your computer to keep looking for viruses of mass destruction.

The Bob Dole Virus - Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy

The Lewinsky Virus - Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then

e-mails everyone about what it did.

The Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates some files, leaves, but will

be back.

The Mike Tyson Virus - Quits after two bytes.

The Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 200 GB hard drive shrinks to 100 GB, then

slowly expands to re-stabilize around 350 GB.

The Ellen Degeneres Virus - Disks can no longer be inserted.

The Prozac Virus - Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.

The Michael Jackson Virus - Only attacks minor files.

The Lorena Bobbitt Virus - Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch

floppy ... then discards it through Windows.

[BlackJack]

The best genie story I ever heard.

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much

your lousy drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door.

A warm voice said, "Come on in."

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done:

glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was

lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.

A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that

broke my window?"

"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband

replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary... Actually I want to thank you.

You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a

thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three

wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the

last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment

and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest

of my life."

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least

I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"

"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.

"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in

every country in the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will

always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish,

genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't

been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex

with your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know

we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you

think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know,

you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind,

but what about you, honey?"

You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. I'd do the

same for you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the

rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.

After about three hours of! non-stop sex, the genie rolled

over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and

your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

"No Kidding," he said. "Thirty-five years old and both of you

still believe in genies?"

[Bruce Thomas]

OK,

Read this,

In the 1400's a law was set forth that a man was not allowed to beat

his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the

rule of thumb"

Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled

"Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered

into the English language.

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were

Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.

Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

Coca-Cola was originally green.

It is impossible to lick your elbow.

The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work:

Alaska

The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...)

The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%

The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400

The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour:

61,000

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from

history:

Spades - King David

Hearts - Charlemagne

Clubs -Alexander, the Great

Diamonds - Julius Caesar

&g! t; 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

&g t;

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in

the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in

the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If

the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural

causes.

Only two people signed the Declaration ofIndependenceon July 4th, John

Hancock andCharlesThomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but

the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.

Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what? A. Their

birthplace

Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat

name requested? A. Obsession

Q. If you were to spell out numbers, ho! w far would you have to go

until you would find the letter "A"? A. One thousand

Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and

laser printers all have in common? A. All invented by women.

Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil? A. Honey

Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the

year?

A. Father's Day

In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.

When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed

firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep

tight."

It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a

month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his

son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and

because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the

honey month. Which we know today as the honeymoon.

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old

England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them

"Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down." It's where we get the

phrase "mind your P's and Q's"

Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into

the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill,

they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the

phrase inspired by this practice.

~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~

At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their

elbow...............

Don't delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you

can read it.

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty

uesdnatnrd

waht I was

rdgnieg.The

phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to

rscheearch at Cmabrigde

Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the

ltteers in a wrod are,

the

olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat

ltteer be in the rghit

pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can

sitll raed it wouthit a

porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not

raed ervey lteter by

istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?

[kurt]

I found that to be highly entertaining, particularly the last letter scramble thing.

[homnspector]

Cool! I geuss I dont have to use selpl cechk in my rpeotrs any mroe!

[Brian G]

Originally posted by Bruce Thomas

It is impossible to lick your elbow.

Not if you chop your arm off. [:-bigmout

Brian G.

Semi-Professional Contrarian (Kurt's Understudy) [:-dev3][][:-dev3]

[homnspector]

Now there is a guy who has LOTS of zinc in his hair!

[Erby]

Some people have WAY to much time on their hands.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

[Bruce Thomas]

Erby,

My 76 year old unmarried Aunt sent it to me. She's the one with the time all I did was cut and paste.

Glad every one liked it.

Bruce

Only Brian the "Sick Twisted Freak" could think of something like that! [^]

[Brian G]

Originally posted by Bruce Thomas

Only Brian the "Sick Twisted Freak" could think of something like that!

Bruce, where are your PC manners? [:-irked]

It's "Mentally-unhealthy Deviant Non-conformist", I'll have you know! [^]

Brian G.

PC Stands For "Political Crap" [:-yuck]

[Bruce Thomas]

Brian,

I knew it was something like that.

"Sick twisted freek" is a tag line thet Glenn Beck, a national talk show host uses. It's ment as a compliment.

I your case YOU are "An EXTREAMLY Sick twisted freek"

Bruce

[:-bonc01]