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Celebrating the McMansion Way of Life


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Now that's some funny doodoo. Been in a lot of them babie's. Makes me wonder why all that stuff we used to talk about back in the 70's never caught on; of course, my memories of the 70's are a little foggy......

"Forget the Futon", and "Top Ramen tastes better when eaten off a granite countertop" made me blow coffee out my nose.

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That wood parquet doesn't like moisture. One Saturday morning in 1985 I awoke to a large crashing sound in my government quarters at Ft. McClellan. Ran out into the living room to find that the stand beneath my wife's 20 gallon aquarium had collapsed and the water was everywhere and covering the wood parquet flooring. Within minutes, as we're trying to mop up that water, the floor started swelling and looked like a skateboard course. I ran out into the storage shed, dug out a long-unused snow shovel and started peeling them off the floor as fast as I could until I got ahead of the water - roughly 60% of that room.

As I got em up, my son carried them out in the summer sun and laid them down on the asphalt driveway to dry and I cranked the heat up as far as it would go and cracked the windows only a little bit. Went down to the local Lowe's picked up some flooring mastic and a toothed trowel and then returned to wait for the drying to be completed. All this time the wife was cussing me out pretty good for not having reinforced that stand like she wanted and because the house was so danged hot.

A couple of hours later, my son and I set to work re-laying those tiles and finished by early afternoon. The floor looked good, but I sweated the turn-over inspection when I cleared that post. I was sure that once everything was out of the house there'd be some tell-tale sign. Nope, looked like new and we got away scott free. Whew! I don't want to think what the Army would have charged me to come in and redo those floors, because they won't just do a section, they'll do the entire quarters and then stick the troop with the bill.



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