Brandon Whitmore Posted December 24, 2010 Report Share Posted December 24, 2010 Hi guys, A friend of mine has this on his website: In brief, you should know the following about us: our company was established in 1999 and had been responsible for providing outstanding Service ever since. We pride ourselves on being a proactive service provider and representing the customer needs. It doesn't sound good to me, but I am the last person who should be offering advice on cleaning it up. I'd appreciate any editing/ help you could provide. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jim Katen Posted December 24, 2010 Report Share Posted December 24, 2010 Hi guys, A friend of mine has this on his website: In brief, you should know the following about us: our company was established in 1999 and had been responsible for providing outstanding Service ever since. We pride ourselves on being a proactive service provider and representing the customer needs. It doesn't sound good to me, but I am the last person who should be offering advice on cleaning it up. I'd appreciate any editing/ help you could provide. Depends, is he a local competitor or is he in some other business? - Jim Katen, Oregon Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hausdok Posted December 24, 2010 Report Share Posted December 24, 2010 We've been in business since 1999 and pride ourselves in providing good customer service. ONE TEAM -ONE FIGHT!!! Mike Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brandon Whitmore Posted December 24, 2010 Author Report Share Posted December 24, 2010 Depends, is he a local competitor or is he in some other business? DC power service company-- definitely not a competitor. I was just reading his website, and was trying to figure out how his info. should be worded. This short paragraph is on his home page, and doesn't read right to me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brandon Whitmore Posted December 24, 2010 Author Report Share Posted December 24, 2010 We've been in business since 1999 and pride ourselves in providing good customer service. 10x better in my opinion. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mgbinspect Posted December 24, 2010 Report Share Posted December 24, 2010 Hi guys, A friend of mine has this on his website: In brief, you should know the following about us: our company was established in 1999 and had been responsible for providing outstanding Service ever since. We pride ourselves on being a proactive service provider and representing the customer needs. It doesn't sound good to me, but I am the last person who should be offering advice on cleaning it up. I'd appreciate any editing/ help you could provide. Jeez, what a train wreck of rambling incomplete declarations! It is way too wordy for what he's trying to state. How about something short and sweet like: "We've been proudly serving the best interests of home buyers since 1999." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brandon Whitmore Posted December 24, 2010 Author Report Share Posted December 24, 2010 How does this sound?: We have been a proactive service provider since our inception in 1999, known for our outstanding customer service. PS: I'm mostly doing this as an exercise for myself. I am not sure I will give any unsolicited comments about the website, unless it gets snuck in over a golf game or something. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Kogel Posted December 24, 2010 Report Share Posted December 24, 2010 "Our company has provided outstanding customer service in this area since 1999." Mike got his post in first. We are dealing with short attention spans these days. If I add one more sentence to this paragraph, it willl bbeee gggetting boooorrrinngg. [] Brandon, the last part of your sentence, "known for ..." needs a noun or something like "and we are known for" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richard Moore Posted December 24, 2010 Report Share Posted December 24, 2010 I think Mike O. nailed it earlier. I do have a question...what exactly is a "proactive" electrical service provider? Do they go around knocking on doors, cold call random numbers, leave flyers on the porch or, worse, hang "hey-look-no-one-is-home" crap on your door knob (pet peeve)? Personally, I like my service providers to be reactive, as in: something breaks, I call someone, and they react by coming around and fixing it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brandon Whitmore Posted December 24, 2010 Author Report Share Posted December 24, 2010 Thanks all. I like Mike O's version as well......just trying to keep more of their own words in the paragraph sentence. Does everyone agree with John that my sentence requires a noun after the comma? I really need to go back to writing school- argh. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mgbinspect Posted December 24, 2010 Report Share Posted December 24, 2010 Thanks all. I like Mike O's version as well......just trying to keep more of their own words in the paragraph sentence. Does everyone agree with John that my sentence requires a noun after the comma? I really need to go back to writing school- argh. Agreed. It's always best to say it all with a handful of words. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mgbinspect Posted December 24, 2010 Report Share Posted December 24, 2010 How does this sound?: We have been a proactive service provider since our inception in 1999, known for our outstanding customer service. PS: I'm mostly doing this as an exercise for myself. I am not sure I will give any unsolicited comments about the website, unless it gets snuck in over a golf game or something. Grammatically speaking, I think you're sentence is fine, with one exception: because of the intent of the last phrase in your sentence as a qualifier for what precedes, most grammar books would recommend a colon instead of a comma. A Colon (or possibly a dash) creates an exaggerated pause. The colon, in particular, creates that pause and sets the phrase that follows apart as a qualifier to what was said before. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gtblum Posted December 24, 2010 Report Share Posted December 24, 2010 How does this sound?: We have been a proactive service provider since our inception in 1999, known for our outstanding customer service. PS: I'm mostly doing this as an exercise for myself. I am not sure I will give any unsolicited comments about the website, unless it gets snuck in over a golf game or something. I'd dump proactive all together. Maybe it's only me but, trendy words / terms like proactive, closure, ramp up, spot on, and the like, sound phony to me. I don't know why. It just does. Merry Christmas, everyone. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brandon Whitmore Posted December 25, 2010 Author Report Share Posted December 25, 2010 Thanks guys. Merry Christmas to all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
robert1966 Posted January 1, 2011 Report Share Posted January 1, 2011 I think it needs more meat in the wording, what they exactly do....Also if they want max benefits, it should be optimized for the web, include keywords.[:-paperba Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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