Jump to content

Why dogs are better


Recommended Posts

I stole this from another message board:

HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL

1)Cradlle cat in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right hand thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in hand, as cat opens, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2)Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in right arm ( to avoid injury to left arm ) and repeat process.

3)Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw away soggy pill.

4)Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in best arm, holding rear paws tightly with hand. Force jaws open and push pill into back of mouth with forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5)retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6)Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand, while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill, put down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7)Retrieve cat from curtain rail and get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

Cool Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow through straw.

9)Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans. Drink one beer to take taste away. Apply Band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10)Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door on neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with desssert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11)Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot. Drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw t-shirt away and fetch another one from bathroom.

12)Call fire department to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor, who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13)Tie the little Sh-t's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table. Get heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak fillet. Be rough if neccesary. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14)Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on the way home to order new table.

15)Arrange for SPCA to collect "cat from hell" and call local pet shop to see if they have any guinea pigs available.

HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL

1) Wrap it in bacon. Drop it on the floor.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

×
×
  • Create New...