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Hey, lets have a little fun for for once. As we've all seen here and elsewhere, there can be some pretty amazing comments in a report. I've been trying to think of some completely ridiculous comments that could be written. This is just for fun and not intended to present anything near the truth. I just thought it would be cool if we could see just how wacky and creative we could get in comments. From flat out bogus or lame comments to clever codes that we have to figure out just what the heck your talking about. So put those smart craniums to work and lets see what we get. BTW I blame excessive Spanish beer if this thread bombs.

I'll start with one that I have used as a joke. What am I talking about?

Supplemental heating system - Condition is satisfactory -Currently suppling ample amounts of heat in tested locations. Has the potential to heat entire home. May be nearing it's life expectancy.

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I use a little humor occasionally.

From a few years ago on a new construction:

Obviously there was great celabration and exhuberance as this home was finished; as evidenced by the multitude of beer can in the attic spaces. Make your own inferences as to the quality of the workmanship in this home.

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Ok, I'll play. These are real, by the way.

The customer begged me to say that the roof would last for five years. I wrote, "This roof will last for five years and 11 minutes."

On a house with several holes in the walls caused by doorknobs, "Consider the merits of doorstops." I never intended for this comment to be funny but people always laugh at it.

On a house with open foundation vents. "Cover the foundation vent openings with 1/8" hardware cloth to prevent the entry of cats and other vermin." When I first wrote that comment, I was being perfectly serious. Everyone always laughs when they read it though.

Comments that I wrote but, upon short reflection, did not include in the report:

There are three holes as big as quarters in the furnace's heat exchanger. Your agent told me that Roy at Air Pro just looked at the furnace yesterday and found no holes. Furthermore your agent told me that Roy was "the best in the business." I can only conclude that there is a distortion of either time or space in the area surrounding your furnace. STAY AWAY FROM IT. Temporal distortions can be unpredictable and life threatening. Consult with Stephen Hawking about a course of action.

The seller told me that the roof shingles were newly installed less than one year ago. The shingles have actually been on the roof for 14 years. Sellers rarely lie about a single item. Assume that everything the seller has told you is a lie.

If I have to go back into that crawlspace one more time, somebody's going to be sorry.

I could only crawl through the south third of the crawlspace. Beyond there lay monsters.

I have good news and I have bad news . . .

- Jim Katen, Oregon

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My absolute worst thing I say is:

Client or saleperson - "What can happen if I don't fix that furnace this year?"

Me - "You could die!" I never go into the fine details and that just pisses everyone off.

I often write "Do not occupy this house until xxxxxxx is done by licensed tradesperson."

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I've actually written these:

"The dishwasher is still working, but it's so old that if it broke down when I was driving home, and now needs to be thrown away, I wouldn't be the least bit surprised."

"The vapor barrier under this home needs a lot of work. Obviously, the person(s) that installed it must have been drunk because nothing about it is right."

"The crawlspace is heavily littered with all manner of rat and vermin feces. Don't go into this crawlspace for any reason, unless you are wearing protective clothing and breathing through a cartridge respirator equipped with a P100 filter, because the dust from some types of rodent feces can give you hanta virus. This is serious, hanta virus is no joke; if you catch it on Monday, there's a good chance your family will be planting you on Saturday."

"The guy who cleaned this shake roof with a pressure washer and then coated it with brown dye deserves to have that same pressure washer used on himself because he's ruined a perfectly serviceable roof cover."

"There was so much funk in this crawlspace that I will not inspect it until it's been thoroughly cleaned out and drained. I don't get paid enough to wallow in so much filth that I jeapordize my health. Contact me when it's been cleaned out and is safe to inspect, and I'll be happy to return and reinspect it at my normal hourly fee."

"Get a reputable furnace tech, not the incompetent that installed this furnace, to correct the unsafe exhaust vent configuration."

"If the local code guy approved this, he was either drunk or seriously hung over, because anyone in complete control of their faculties would never have missed this."



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Here's what's funny (to me anyway). I've written a humor column for 12 years, and I told many a funny story on radio shows, but I never even considered putting anything funny into an HI report.

I think it's because I read the old HI chestnut one two many times. The one that goes something like this: Chimney inspected, and found to be suitable for entry by Santa Claus.

That's not funny. It makes me cringe, on many levels.

Katen's stuff is funny. Jim, when you retire, write a book. Or several...


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